Kingsman: The Secret Service Preview Review
Kingsman: The Secret Service is a movie very loosely based on the comic book The Secret Service by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons. The movie is written by Jane Goodman and Matthew Vaughn, who also directs. This is the same team behind the similar Millar comic adaptation, Kick Ass.
The film, unlike its unfortunate title, is anything but clunky. It is a slick, fun, R Rated, filthy humour and ultra violence filled romp that plays like an intentional love letter to Roger Moore era James Bond.
Kingsman in both its humour and action, plays a lot like Kick Ass did before it and like Kick Ass the movie contains plenty of awesome jaw dropping and taboo busting moments. Vaughn also repeats the trick of editing the fight scenes to a retro soundtrack that, while not exactly giving Guardians of the Galaxy a run for its money, is still damn cool.
The actors all appear to be having a great time and mostly play the whole thing straight, even when the situations are anything but. It's sad then that some of the dialogue is occasionally knowingly winking at the audience and slips into heavy handed referential moments. It never spoils the scenes outright but everyone should already be getting the joke without turning this into Austin Powers with gore. Colin Firth, Vaughn staple Mark Strong and newcomer Taron Egerton are all particularly superb. Firth, not always the first name you think of as cool or a fantastic ass kicker steps up in this and steals the show.
It also has more than a few echoes of James Bond which has always been a big hit in The States.
Plus it has every American's favourite older Brit Colin Firth in it being undeniably awesome and giving Liam Neeson a run for his money in the action stakes.
If there is one very British aspect to the movie it's that it has absolutely no regard for authority and is joyously, ridiculously subversive on all fronts. It certainly will make you either proud to be British again or wish you were British, which certainly makes a change from the Brits always playing villains.
I would strongly urge anyone now intending to see it on its US release date of February 13th 2015 to avoid the trailers as much as possible and go in fresh. Your experience will be enhanced greatly.
Remember the days when trailers didn't spoil the whole first 2 acts of a film?
4 out of 5 bullet proof umbrellas
13/13/13
Basically it's all something to do with leap years violating the ancient Mayan calendar and all those extra days in February, over time have created an extra month and on the date of 13/13/13 everyone who wasn't born on a February 29th goes completely nuts.
It's a wonderful, end of the world scenario that allows for lots of death, destruction, mayhem and the symbolism of the "unlucky number" 13. More importantly, I hadn't really heard of much like that before and it's always nice to hear a fresh idea.
Yes, ok, so behind the idea is the whole Mayan calendar hoopla that went around last year claiming that, in 2012, the world was going to end and, I'm sure that, The Asylum liked it for that reason, as they're always making B-Movie versions of big budget disaster films (or Mockbusters as I believe the affectionate term is for them) but this has a decent spin on that and actually attempts something novel with it. The idea that leap years added up would form this weird 13 month is just the kind of bonkers, surreal hokum I am drawn to. There was a bit of George A Romero's The Crazies mixed in there as well but it's, at least, a different Romero source to draw from than the interminable bad zombie films we've had to wade through lately.
The things that I enjoyed in this film were the slow build up to people going crazy, some good and, on some occasions, even darkly comic deaths, a nice, atmospheric, gory and weird hospital sequence and attempts to establish different types of craziness for different groups of people. There was a really strong bedrock here for a pretty decent end-of-the-world horror film and what the filmmakers were able to do with, what was, obviously, a limited budget was, also, very impressive.
What was a slight disappointment with the movie, for me, was the fact that, I didn't feel, the concept went anywhere or was explored as much as I would've liked. For example, it needed a crazy old professor, or someone, who knew about the old world and spouted Donald Pleasance-like doom filled one-liners. The film, definitely, could've done with some sort of further explanation of the situation or some place to go. Maybe a glimmer of hope to reverse the situation using a mystical rock, Mayan gold amulet or something, or, maybe the rising of old beings to establish their order again on earth.
As it was, while it was atmospheric, gory as all hell and nicely shot, the hospital sequence went on entirely too long and once our two, Feb 29th born, protagonists finally escaped there was little time for anything but a muddled and, I felt, rushed finale back at the house.
The acting was a problem in the film. I watch a lot of amateur and low budget films so it doesn't bother me a lot but the acting was pretty stale, unfortunately, and not one character really shone in the film. A lot of that might have been the script too because, while the idea was there and the deaths, gore and action were all there, the dialogue was, in places, dreadful. I thought that more creative ways could've been used to convey the craziness other than just rage and repeated uses of "fuck" said unconvincingly by actors struggling to act. Don't get me wrong, there were some creative bits of craziness, especially Quentin (Jody Barton) believing himself, suddenly, to be a Korean war general but overall the swearing and the anger felt forced in some of the performances. I liked the laughter and the random acts of violence but thought the opportunity to make that truly creepy was missed.
Without a few strong, decent lines of dialogue and the odd interesting character, the film did, very slowly, become something of a slog but there was, genuinely, some nice potential here.
Trae Ireland and Erin Coker were solid enough, but neither of them had very interesting characters. Calico Cooper is Alice Cooper's daughter but sadly didn't get to do very much but what she did was fine though. Jody Barton got the showy role and was, at least, enthusiastic with it and, probably, the strongest performer of the lot. Bill Voorhees, with the name made for horror film acting, was sort of funny in the role of sidekick to Jody Barton despite it being an underwritten, obvious, slob-friend role.
My favourite scenes in the whole thing were an early scene where Quentin decides to humorously run some people down with his car, the slowly escalating crazy in the hospital and its gore drenched walls and the news room scene with the comedy news anchors attacking each other. They were all, a genuine joy.
While it, sadly, does go nowhere, there was lots to like in this B-Movie. One positive on the acting was that I didn't feel anybody was winking at me or playing any scenes in a lazy, half-arsed manner. I felt that everyone was trying their hardest and playing the scenes straight and true. This is important because it's become all too fashionable these days, even amongst high-profile stuff like Tarantino and Rodriguez's later work, to knowingly and lazily play every scene just for puerile, pathetic and ironic laughter and, for me, that just takes me right out of the film. While the acting isn't always strong or dynamic, I am glad to say 13/13/13 doesn't do this. The key to making a fun, enjoyable, weird, silly, wonderful, cult or B-Movie is to believe in what you're doing, no matter how ridiculous and, again, this film does succeed in that regard.
While not quite there completely I appreciated this film for it's attempt at a different, creative take on an apocalypse scenario. It was an enjoyable romp, some great scenes, some good enthusiasm and a decent idea at its core.
Hobo with a Shotgun - 8th May 2011
Oh Canada! Is this what happens when we leave you alone in the frozen north with your crazy ideas and nothing but time?
Hobo With A Shotgun started life as an independently made trailer for a competition run in conjunction with the release of the Tarantino/Rodriguez Grindhouse picture. It won the competition and when, for that limited time, Grindhouse was shown as one film, the way it was intended, Hobo proudly appeared before it.
Then later, much like Machete, it was turned into a feature length flick, only this time the film makers got a budget and completely re-shot and re-cast it.
This is nothing new, The Coen Brothers, following a little in the steps of Sam Raimi, used a trailer to secure financing for their first feature, Blood Simple.
When I sat down to watch this, despite being fascinated with the whole Grindhouse debacle at the time, I didn't know any of that.
I wasn't living in America back then, I didn't know there was a competition and I hadn't seen the original trailer.
I learnt about Hobo from a friend of mine in the UK who is a big Rutger Hauer fan and a fan of films that are so dark, sick and twisted that they become hilarious, for example he is a big fan of, the quite similar movie, Street Trash which is about sick melting tramps.
I think the people who don't really get exploitation or horror don't understand that attached to the gory, violent imagery is often a fantastically creative imagination, a great sense of humour and that life affirming feeling you get to make through one of these in one piece. It's a safe and enjoyable way to have an endurance test of wills to prove to the world, well if we're honest, mostly your friends, that you're not a pussy.
Well if ever there was a film that took a great title, the money and decades of previous exploitation offerings and attempted to over-do, out-gross and push the boundaries of b-movies in the most underground comic book, intentionally sick & grimy way then it's Hobo with a Shotgun. It's like an early Peter Jackson movie meets Death Wish. A live action Meet The Feebles or Dead Alive (Braindead to us Brits) meets Straw Dogs or a caucasian Foxy Brown. If there was more camp comedy in it and thank Christ there isn't, it would be a lot like a Troma film too.
Firstly the film looks great, the whole thing painted in bright vivid tones and neon hues and looks far more like an 80s exploitation B-Movie than I expected. They have got the whole tone of the film pitch perfect with good music, great set decoration and interesting and bizarre camera lenses and angles.
Secondly, throughout the whole grotesque, bloody and visceral film Rutger Hauer doesn't put a foot wrong in the title role. It felt very much like they had properly focused on and written his part well so he had plenty to do and his performance didn't disappoint.
Lastly I think the film was chock full of good, funny and disgusting ideas and most of them were realised well.
Where it falls down for me was in the plot, the writing of the other characters and especially the villains.
You see the whole city is over-run with crime and degradation. On every street corner there is something repugnant, sleazy or violent happening and this controlled anarchy is all the doing of one man, seemingly the only citizen of this land who knows where the dry cleaners is, and his two arsehole sons. They have the town in their back pocket, completely bought and paid for.
Well that concept is fine enough, even if it does open up more questions than it answers (like why would you do anything these weedy and obnoxious ring pieces say anyway?) but I think it would have been of huge benefit to the film if the actors chosen to play these roles were genuinely terrifying, or at least menacing in a sort of Gary Busey type way. I mean the two sons are quite the most annoying pair of squeeky voiced, whining, sickening turds you've ever witnessed and while, obviously, that works in the film's favour because you side instantly with the Hobo, who is equally lacking in moral fibre if we're honest here, it doesn't help that they look like the sort of pair who could be over powered by a particularly pungent fart rather than leaders of a rain of terror. Plus I think with Hauer in the lead you'd side with the grizzled son of a bitch anyway, you don't need to amp up the annoying factor on your villains.
As for the lead baddie 'The Drake' well I am sorry but he's the real lame duck. He's about 70 if he's a day and a tennis ball to the face would probably disorientate him long enough for you to steal all his clothes and kick him into next Friday! With these kind of adversaries you'd think the Hobo would have the streets cleaned by dinner.
Alas this is not the case and this malevolent leprechaun has the chance to not only use the TV to turn regular folks, if there are such things in this hellish wasteland, against the hobo but also to summon The Plague, a pair of possibly robotic, possibly demonic bikers to come finish off him and his new found prostitute friend Abby.
This is actually where it all starts to get good again and the climax piles on atrocious and gleeful gore upon gore. It's also where all pretense of normalcy, or at least even movie logic, has well and truly flown out of the window, especially with the briefest, random and surreal appearance of a giant octopus.
Look I know that to poke holes in Hobo with a Shotgun for its non existent plot, its crappy villains and its lazy writing is completely missing the point but personally I think the strength of the best kind of B-Movie is their ability to tell the stories and ideas that you can't in A pictures, not just to see if we can push the boundaries of taste to ludicrous levels. Ok so, plot wise, there is some mumbled nonsense about the Hobo's desire to run off with Abby and run a lawn mowing company but that only goes to emphasise the ridiculousness of the situation. He rode in on the rails, why doesn't he just ride out again when he sees what the city is like and that there is no money to be made here? If there are places you can go where lawn mowing is a lovely peaceful occupation, why isn't he there?
I also think that films are cult films when they are good enough to gather a following over time and because there's something about them we haven't seen before, there's just a part of me inside that dislikes the fact that this film was so obviously made specifically to be like that, it feels cynically manufactured almost.
Then there is another part of me who tells that part of me to shut the fuck up and enjoy the magnificent splatter fest for what it is. After all it does exactly what it says on the tin and it features plenty of things we haven't seen before.
I have seen my fair share of horror and exploitation films and where most films would draw the line, in terms of what they'd show, this one seems to start. The opening death is the sort of thing another film might end with and if they did, they certainly wouldn't show it in all it's red drenched splendor.
I can't go into all the ridiculously hilarious and jaw-droppingly, delicious and twisted moments in this film for fear of spoiling it.
All I would say is that if your idea of amusing is an upside down human piñata being beaten silly by three giggling topless women, which is then split open from balls to chin, much to their glee and the scene ends with them happily dancing in the unfortunate man's innards then I would give this film a watch at least once.
Also, for you fans of all things Canuk, look out for a few cameos by famous Canadians, those wacky sick funsters.
7 out of 10 - donkey balls in a bap drizzled with pervy Santa's semen.
Points from The Wife - 5 out of 10.
Re-Animator - 29th October 2010
This is because it is so unassuming at first. The poster is funny, the premise is ludicrous and comic, the acting is delightfully over the top like a twisted, gonzo, end-of-the-pier, pantomime, the effects are obvious but so sticky, gross and played for gruesome laughs that it is a joy to behold and at no point is it really, truly scary as much as it is sick and silly.
However, when the film is over and you try to think back over everything you've seen, you realise just how demented, bizarre, perfectly crazy, gory, filthy and excessive it all is.
It is the Frankenstein-like tail of a medical student, Herbert West, with a dream and a stubborn ambition that is a notch below Hitler's, who attempts, at all costs, to get his re-animation serum to work and to blur the lines between life and death. Along the way he literally destroys lives, ropes a naive fellow student in to do his hideous bidding and does cruel and unusual things to a cat, all in the name of his beloved science. He turns the dean of the medical college into a mental zombie and his teacher, the malevolent, perverted, mind-controlling Dr.Hill into a headless tyrant with a psychotic lust for the dean's daughter and designs on stealing and claiming as his own, Herbert West's Re-animating agent. It's all eye-brow raisingly, hand-wringingly and scenery chewingly good fun.
Like I say, though, by the end you have sat through some of the most vividly disgusting yet blackly hilarious footage ever filmed. Along with Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and even American Werewolf this is some of the most comic book style, excessive gore out there but because of its sense of humour and odd-ball, almost old fashioned, gothic and dramatic acting it all flies by in no time and despite the lack of any real hero to root for, a sense of repetition to their constantly botched experiments and a few loopy plot holes it's a no-holes barred, laugh-out-loud, ridiculous and splatter-filled romp.
Although they are both technically second tier characters, because of the performances of Jeffrey Combs and David Gale, it is Herbert West and Dr.Hill that steal the show and it is surely no mistake that they show up on the poster. The main characters, if there are any, seem to be the happy couple of Dan Cain and Megan Halsey, played by the excessively brave and daring Barbara Crampton but it is difficult to invest in their story line too much once the mayhem begins and after all do we really think that a slightly dumb, rookie doctor who is schtupping the dean's daughter is going to live happily ever after with his intended bride? and do we ever really care? I know they are meant to be the heart and soul of the piece but really they make so many mistakes and especially the guy, Dan Cain, seems to spend the film continually screwing up and making the wrong decisions, how much sympathy are we really going to feel for him when West is about being so damn watchable and deliciously bonkers?
If watched too regularly the impact of all of this would gradually be diminished I am sure but watching it occasionally it is still graphic, shocking and surprising by today's standards, very funny in places and it gave the world Jeffrey Combs who through his constant genre work has, like Bruce Campbell, earned his seat in the high-court of the B Movie Kingdom.
Despite continuing to spawn lesser sequels (House of Re-Animator is currently being mooted) it never seemed to gather a group of rabid fans like the Evil Dead series and never caught a mainstream or studio's eye like the Freddys and Jasons of this world but this original movie, at least, has enough invention, extreme and entertaining set pieces and a villain you're compelled to like that it can happily stand amongst their ranks proudly like the crazy little cousin burning ants under a magnifying glass with lip-smacking glee at the horror family picnic.
8 out of 10 slices of red devil cake
Horror Movie Marathon - Day One - 23rd October 2010
This weekend two friends of ours hosted a horror movie weekend of the following 9 films. I thought I would put them into one blog per day as the experience of viewing these films is so intrinsically linked to this occasion. I also have to say, before I start with the individual films, that I don't think I've ever sat down and watched this many films back to back. With plenty of people about, a gap between each one and a pile of munchies in front of me like Cleopatra's breakfast buffet, it was not as grueling as one might imagine and a fantastic time was had by all. Horror films perfectly lend themselves to a marathon viewing like this because they are very diverse for a genre and unlike comedy films, where you get tired of laughing after about an hour, even if you cease to be scared by the 50th jump in the 5th film, the films themselves are endlessly inventive, creative, intriguing and enjoyable.
Saturday 23rd October:
Ok, so the first film up was American Werewolf in London and, whilst I know John Landis claims it's a straight horror movie, there is way too much silliness in this for it not to be considered a horror/comedy and a great one at that. In parts it's almost like Monty Python made a werewolf picture from the silly policeman, doddery doctor, uptight American embassy man, ridiculous northerners to the highly comical clips of John Landis' recurring in-joke, the porn film 'See You Next Wednesday'.
It is often the way with horror films that they need a sense of humour, a thrilling set piece or two or some pretty riveting characters to survive because after the first viewing you know where all the scares are, something else has got to hold your attention when viewing it for the 10th time (or whatever this is for me) and asides from that, you need something to balance out the often horrific images you are being bombarded with.
It was the jokes, which, in their way, are very English in their sensibilities, for an American screenwriter and director that I enjoyed the most this time round, that and the terrifically violent climax in Piccadilly Circus. Other aspects in the film, while it is still an undisputed classic of the genre, tend to fall flat now on repeat viewings. The love story, for example, between David and Alex is fairly stilted and unbelievable, despite the radiant walking-adolescent-fantasy Miss Agutter, and, as a friend of mine today pointed out, so is the fact that a doctor, with patients, just jaunts off up north to follow some unsubstantiated claptrap about a vicious beast. The kills, too, while vicious and fun, are, by today's standards, predictable and lack the punch or jump of a really scary set piece. The make up is still impressive though, the soundtrack a joy and in places it's still a visceral and disturbing treat.
Landis doesn't have the polish here as a director that he has in later works but that all adds to the ramshackle charm of the film and it's nice to feel, as a Brit, that Landis has done his homework a bit and doesn't put too much of a foot wrong presenting England fairly authentically. The only exception to this is the scene where three tramps stand around a burning oil drum, surrounded by junked cars, by the side of the Thames. It does look spectacularly out of place and unlike anything I've ever seen in England.
Small quibbles aside, I love this film and will return to it again and again because it is a simply inventive, funny slice of gory horror with classic lines and classic scenes.
8 out of 10
Points from The Wife 8 out of 10
50,000 Paranormal Activity fans can't be wrong... er actually, it turns out they can be and are.
I have to say that before I started Paranormal Activity I was highly skeptical and now having sat through this turgid bilge it gives me great pleasure to say I was right.
I am sorry but I just don't understand the hype on this one at all. I put it right up there with "why the hell do people watch Celebrity Idol Island Survivor Apprentice?"
This hand held camera craze, that was sort of forced on the world with the tragically dismal and downright boring Blair Witch Project, has got to stop. I have only seen it done remotely well once and that was Diary of the Dead and that alone does not justify the handful of tedious crap that was Paranormal Activity. The premise, so you don't have to go out and waste your time, money and energy on this laughable tosh, is that a self important, overly confident, arrogant and annoying man named Mikah (yes, like that's a name) buys a camcorder to video tape him and his irritatingly voiced, whiny and antagonistic girlfriend doing knitting, beading, strumming an unplugged electric guitar badly, swimming, eating lunch, cleaning their teeth and, oh yes, occasionally getting harassed by a demon or whatever... You've honestly ceased caring by night 3.
The demon in question spends most of the film acting like a grumpy room mate or a prankster fraternity member doing a series of underwhelming and not-very-scary-despite-what-the-poster-says things to the "unsuspecting" couple. Like turning a light on and then off, placing car keys on the floor, pulling their sheet off, waggling the door a bit and breaking a picture frame. When the demon does anything remotely bordering on scary it lasts but a second and then for some reason you are sat watching a 10 minute scene of these two wastes of clothes arguing or sitting at a computer reading a website as your brain screams "what? can some set fire to these people soon before I chew my own foot off in sheer agonising boredom".
I will say, in its meagre defense that there are a couple of legitimately impressive effects in the film, the ouija board catching fire and the woman being dragged out of bed by an unseen force and I can accept that in a darkened theatre, first time around, if you made it through the first 60 minutes of the movie without vomiting out of sheer brain-numbing tedium, that some of the later bits may have been frightening but in this setting, with a group of jokey friends about, if the film isn't good right off the bat then we get restless and the film doesn't stand a chance.
If you want to blame my dislike of the film on the fact that I was disrupted and it wasn't in the right setting then go ahead but consider this, when other films came on over the course of the day, good films, better films and exciting films, this group just shut up and watched, commenting only to say how eerie or good something was. Paranormal Activity stunk to high heaven, please don't bother watching this or its sequel as it only encourages them.
When a studio suit stumbled over this film for $3.25 in his local movie flea market, he took it home, marketed the hell out of it and then retreated to a big steel room to count his vast wealth. If you want to buy that hideous grey-faced man another jet then go ahead but unlike American Werewolf and like a lot of crap, handheld, throw away reality TV rubbish, in 5 years or less this film will disappear and become completely irrelevant, we can only hope.
1 out of 10
Points from The Wife 1 out of 10
David Cronenberg has serious mummy issues and attacks psychiatry in this 1970s Canadian melodrama about family separation due to psychosis, alcoholism and physical abuse masquerading as a killer baby/body horror that owes a little to Don't Look Now and Village of the Dammed and features Oliver Reed in a series of roll neck sweaters and furry collared coats whispering creepy things a lot.
David Cronenberg's films are mostly weird and The Brood is no exception but it's not surreal with no reasoning, the whole film is simply a metaphor for the trials and tribulations of life and how everything parents do can mentally and physically effect a child much deeper than they may think. In fact there are so many things going on in this clever and carefully written film that to market it sheerly as a horror movie unfortunately doesn't do it justice, although at the same time it is horrific and disturbing enough to warrant that tag.
It comes as no surprise to learn that the film was written after a bitter divorce and custody battle between Cronenberg and his ex-wife and it is the Dad in the film that comes off the best as a sad, frantic, nobel man trying to protect his daughter at all costs. The rest of the characters are either strange psychiatric patients, a selfish, overly determined and deluded psychiatrist (the aforementioned Oli Reed) and the completely rage filled, unhinged, totally bonkers ex wife. The true horror and sadness of the film is that, by the end, it is obvious that despite all of her Dad's efforts his little girl will probably grow up with some problems of her own mother just has she did from her mother before her.
Yes the metaphors and analogies in the film are fairly simple, like anger literally bubbling under the surface to explode externally as a rage baby and yes there are the usual faults of the genre like gaping plot holes and questionable character decisions (for example: if a woman was completely mental and had amniotic sacks of fury children growing on her abdomen that burst forth, grew up and lived in a shed owned by a dubious psychologist and then those same a-sexual deformed brats beat the hell out of your daughters back and you had polaroids of this, I am not sure a court would really side with the mother just because she was female) but, when all is said and done, it beats the hell out of something serious and worthy like Kramer Vs. Kramer, features enough ridiculous 70s clothing to make the owner of a Salvation Army shop rub his hands with unbridled glee, contains some tremendously icky make up work in the closing act and is put together, overall, skillfully.
From what I have seen of earlier, horror Cronenberg, I think there is something very unnerving, graphic, sickening and eerie about his work that is unlike anybody else and if anything could turn my stomach, apart from airline food, it would be a Cronenberg movie but that is, of course, his appeal. The Brood, however, was light on the overtly sick visuals of something like The Fly but maintained that grimy, off putting undertone that accompanies a lot of his work. For people looking to become a fan of his work, this film is a good entry point.
7 out of 10 but not sure I'd watch it again
Points from The Wife 7 out of 10
So, this is the Swedish vampire film that was so good and so grasped the critics attention that the American remake was coughed up, packaged and shipped out before you could say 'eh?' and it is precisely because that happened that they almost spoilt my enjoyment of this artistic, beautiful, realistic and strangely touching, snow drenched Swedish horror film.
I had already decided to wait and see the original before I would even touch the remake but while sitting in the cinema waiting for a completely different film, one evening, the trailer for the remake came on and gave away everything. I can only imagine how amazingly cool this film would've been had I known nothing.
Still I tried to put all that rubbish to the back of my mind and promised myself I would commit to this film. Which is really what you have to do because not only is it subtitled, of course, but this being an artistic European movie set in the white and beige world of a Swedish council estate (or 'the projects' for the Americans), full of grubby old, cardigan sporting, men and snotty, little, tracksuit wearing bullying kids it doesn't exactly zip along and instead, chooses to let the story unfold naturally and slowly. It's the sort of thing that would be done in a really good atmospheric American TV show in 45 minutes.
So, go into the film wanting to immerse yourself fully into its seemingly dull but, under the surface, rich and beautiful world.
The key to the visuals in this film are the subtle and authentic details. You can feel the cold bite of the snow, the chilly, slippery tile of the swimming pool changing rooms, the grimy peeling walls of the concrete flats and smell the stale smokey air and frying food of the local cafe.
I won't go over the story too much here but I will say that it is one of the only horror films I have ever seen where it's not its sense of chaos or crazy fear that makes it so watchable and frightening but rather it's bleak, bare calm. You are not frightened for the victims in this but rather the survival of the vampire herself and that is a genius twist. Also, in the relationship between the bullied boy and the vampire girl, it is not the soppy, romantic, supposedly doomed but annoyingly easy love of a Buffy and Angel or, christ help us, a Twilight movie but rather some genuine emotion, something slightly perverse, something completely understandable, something dangerous yet freeing and altogether more human than any similar relationship committed to film. It perfectly encapsulates the feeling of a first love and even first lust better than any serious or indeed romantic comedy, coming of age film I have ever seen.
The one thing that was so utterly mind blowing and refreshing about this film was that for someone who, obviously, watches lots and lots of films and always has, it showed me incredible special effects, mostly practical and in-camera, that I had never seen before. Everything about this film from the performances, to the realism of the setting and the effects worked absolutely perfectly.
I really don't want to pick it apart too much or go on about anything to the point where it might spoil it, as it should be experienced as fresh as possible and so I will keep this short, just please rent or go see this version, I haven't seen the remake and I am not sure if I will but this original deserves to be seen, marveled at and appreciated before they take a finally grilled slice of tender steak and turn it into a tasty but essentially hollow Big Mac burger.
10 out of 10
Points from The Wife 8 out of 10
To round out the first day of films in which we'd laughed with American Werewolf, laughed AT Paranormal Activity, got serious with the Brood and marveled at Let the Right One In, people coming and going all the time and a truck load of foodstuffs consumed, we decided to go a little left field with the late 70s utterly bonkers, independent and very cult classic Phantasm.
Directed by Don Coscarelli, it is a creepy but confused film which is packed full of ideas, has a killer soundtrack, some tremendous visuals but lacks much of a point beyond hooded dwarfs and tall, baggy and pale faced men with ludicrous hair are weird and scary.
The plot is some mental, fun, nonsense about aliens running a mortuary who are turning corpses into little robe wearing midgets. Some who are shipped back in tubes to another world, via a cosmic tuning fork, to be enslaved and others who roam about growling like banshees and generally causing mischief. Along the way we also find out that Angus Scrimm's delightfully loopy and bizarre looking Tall Man can shape shift into a heavily made up trollop, who lures young men into the graveyard for hanky panky before stabbing them and that his body parts, once severed, ooze mustard and turn into little animatronic flying bugs with glowing red eyes that can't be killed by garbage disposal units. Also in their weapon arsenal the fiendish inter-dimensional, weirdly body-proportioned alien crew have little shiny spheres that whizz about the mortuary at will and occasionally embed themselves into peoples faces and a little drill empties them of their skull blood.
All that stand in their way are a girly haired but fiercely determined teenage boy, his wayward, wannabe rock star, older brother and their friend, Reggie the hipster ice cream man and mean acoustic blues guitar player. Throw in an odd and fairly pointless scene with an old gypsy woman and her daughter (who translates) who the boy goes to sometimes for guidance and you pretty much have one of the most enjoyably nutso films that would pave the way for more crazy 80s neon horror fare like the Nightmare series and Hellraiser.
What was I saying at the beginning of the blog about the horror genre being one of the most inventive? because Phantasm proves that and then some. Yes it's all over the place, yes it doesn't make a lick of sense but all the cast seem to be game and for a low budget production the film looks great and, as I have said before, the soundtrack is brilliant and could easily stand shoulder to shoulder with a John Carpenter or George A Romero score.
All in all this is still one of my favourites, for lots of reasons and it was fun to revisit it this weekend.
8 out of 10
Points from The Misses 6 out of 10
Yes, Phantasm was a perfect way to end our day of horror movies which varied from some old classics, to a new dud and featured one genuine stand out film in Let the Right One In.
We watched four more films on Sunday which I will review in the next blog and then next week, my appetite well and truly whetted, I will no doubt continue in the horror vain all the way up to Halloween next Sunday.
Saturday 23rd October:
It is often the way with horror films that they need a sense of humour, a thrilling set piece or two or some pretty riveting characters to survive because after the first viewing you know where all the scares are, something else has got to hold your attention when viewing it for the 10th time (or whatever this is for me) and asides from that, you need something to balance out the often horrific images you are being bombarded with.
It was the jokes, which, in their way, are very English in their sensibilities, for an American screenwriter and director that I enjoyed the most this time round, that and the terrifically violent climax in Piccadilly Circus. Other aspects in the film, while it is still an undisputed classic of the genre, tend to fall flat now on repeat viewings. The love story, for example, between David and Alex is fairly stilted and unbelievable, despite the radiant walking-adolescent-fantasy Miss Agutter, and, as a friend of mine today pointed out, so is the fact that a doctor, with patients, just jaunts off up north to follow some unsubstantiated claptrap about a vicious beast. The kills, too, while vicious and fun, are, by today's standards, predictable and lack the punch or jump of a really scary set piece. The make up is still impressive though, the soundtrack a joy and in places it's still a visceral and disturbing treat.
Landis doesn't have the polish here as a director that he has in later works but that all adds to the ramshackle charm of the film and it's nice to feel, as a Brit, that Landis has done his homework a bit and doesn't put too much of a foot wrong presenting England fairly authentically. The only exception to this is the scene where three tramps stand around a burning oil drum, surrounded by junked cars, by the side of the Thames. It does look spectacularly out of place and unlike anything I've ever seen in England.
Small quibbles aside, I love this film and will return to it again and again because it is a simply inventive, funny slice of gory horror with classic lines and classic scenes.
8 out of 10
Points from The Wife 8 out of 10
I have to say that before I started Paranormal Activity I was highly skeptical and now having sat through this turgid bilge it gives me great pleasure to say I was right.
I am sorry but I just don't understand the hype on this one at all. I put it right up there with "why the hell do people watch Celebrity Idol Island Survivor Apprentice?"
This hand held camera craze, that was sort of forced on the world with the tragically dismal and downright boring Blair Witch Project, has got to stop. I have only seen it done remotely well once and that was Diary of the Dead and that alone does not justify the handful of tedious crap that was Paranormal Activity. The premise, so you don't have to go out and waste your time, money and energy on this laughable tosh, is that a self important, overly confident, arrogant and annoying man named Mikah (yes, like that's a name) buys a camcorder to video tape him and his irritatingly voiced, whiny and antagonistic girlfriend doing knitting, beading, strumming an unplugged electric guitar badly, swimming, eating lunch, cleaning their teeth and, oh yes, occasionally getting harassed by a demon or whatever... You've honestly ceased caring by night 3.
The demon in question spends most of the film acting like a grumpy room mate or a prankster fraternity member doing a series of underwhelming and not-very-scary-despite-what-the-poster-says things to the "unsuspecting" couple. Like turning a light on and then off, placing car keys on the floor, pulling their sheet off, waggling the door a bit and breaking a picture frame. When the demon does anything remotely bordering on scary it lasts but a second and then for some reason you are sat watching a 10 minute scene of these two wastes of clothes arguing or sitting at a computer reading a website as your brain screams "what? can some set fire to these people soon before I chew my own foot off in sheer agonising boredom".
I will say, in its meagre defense that there are a couple of legitimately impressive effects in the film, the ouija board catching fire and the woman being dragged out of bed by an unseen force and I can accept that in a darkened theatre, first time around, if you made it through the first 60 minutes of the movie without vomiting out of sheer brain-numbing tedium, that some of the later bits may have been frightening but in this setting, with a group of jokey friends about, if the film isn't good right off the bat then we get restless and the film doesn't stand a chance.
If you want to blame my dislike of the film on the fact that I was disrupted and it wasn't in the right setting then go ahead but consider this, when other films came on over the course of the day, good films, better films and exciting films, this group just shut up and watched, commenting only to say how eerie or good something was. Paranormal Activity stunk to high heaven, please don't bother watching this or its sequel as it only encourages them.
When a studio suit stumbled over this film for $3.25 in his local movie flea market, he took it home, marketed the hell out of it and then retreated to a big steel room to count his vast wealth. If you want to buy that hideous grey-faced man another jet then go ahead but unlike American Werewolf and like a lot of crap, handheld, throw away reality TV rubbish, in 5 years or less this film will disappear and become completely irrelevant, we can only hope.
1 out of 10
Points from The Wife 1 out of 10
David Cronenberg's films are mostly weird and The Brood is no exception but it's not surreal with no reasoning, the whole film is simply a metaphor for the trials and tribulations of life and how everything parents do can mentally and physically effect a child much deeper than they may think. In fact there are so many things going on in this clever and carefully written film that to market it sheerly as a horror movie unfortunately doesn't do it justice, although at the same time it is horrific and disturbing enough to warrant that tag.
It comes as no surprise to learn that the film was written after a bitter divorce and custody battle between Cronenberg and his ex-wife and it is the Dad in the film that comes off the best as a sad, frantic, nobel man trying to protect his daughter at all costs. The rest of the characters are either strange psychiatric patients, a selfish, overly determined and deluded psychiatrist (the aforementioned Oli Reed) and the completely rage filled, unhinged, totally bonkers ex wife. The true horror and sadness of the film is that, by the end, it is obvious that despite all of her Dad's efforts his little girl will probably grow up with some problems of her own mother just has she did from her mother before her.
Yes the metaphors and analogies in the film are fairly simple, like anger literally bubbling under the surface to explode externally as a rage baby and yes there are the usual faults of the genre like gaping plot holes and questionable character decisions (for example: if a woman was completely mental and had amniotic sacks of fury children growing on her abdomen that burst forth, grew up and lived in a shed owned by a dubious psychologist and then those same a-sexual deformed brats beat the hell out of your daughters back and you had polaroids of this, I am not sure a court would really side with the mother just because she was female) but, when all is said and done, it beats the hell out of something serious and worthy like Kramer Vs. Kramer, features enough ridiculous 70s clothing to make the owner of a Salvation Army shop rub his hands with unbridled glee, contains some tremendously icky make up work in the closing act and is put together, overall, skillfully.
From what I have seen of earlier, horror Cronenberg, I think there is something very unnerving, graphic, sickening and eerie about his work that is unlike anybody else and if anything could turn my stomach, apart from airline food, it would be a Cronenberg movie but that is, of course, his appeal. The Brood, however, was light on the overtly sick visuals of something like The Fly but maintained that grimy, off putting undertone that accompanies a lot of his work. For people looking to become a fan of his work, this film is a good entry point.
7 out of 10 but not sure I'd watch it again
Points from The Wife 7 out of 10
I had already decided to wait and see the original before I would even touch the remake but while sitting in the cinema waiting for a completely different film, one evening, the trailer for the remake came on and gave away everything. I can only imagine how amazingly cool this film would've been had I known nothing.
Still I tried to put all that rubbish to the back of my mind and promised myself I would commit to this film. Which is really what you have to do because not only is it subtitled, of course, but this being an artistic European movie set in the white and beige world of a Swedish council estate (or 'the projects' for the Americans), full of grubby old, cardigan sporting, men and snotty, little, tracksuit wearing bullying kids it doesn't exactly zip along and instead, chooses to let the story unfold naturally and slowly. It's the sort of thing that would be done in a really good atmospheric American TV show in 45 minutes.
So, go into the film wanting to immerse yourself fully into its seemingly dull but, under the surface, rich and beautiful world.
The key to the visuals in this film are the subtle and authentic details. You can feel the cold bite of the snow, the chilly, slippery tile of the swimming pool changing rooms, the grimy peeling walls of the concrete flats and smell the stale smokey air and frying food of the local cafe.
I won't go over the story too much here but I will say that it is one of the only horror films I have ever seen where it's not its sense of chaos or crazy fear that makes it so watchable and frightening but rather it's bleak, bare calm. You are not frightened for the victims in this but rather the survival of the vampire herself and that is a genius twist. Also, in the relationship between the bullied boy and the vampire girl, it is not the soppy, romantic, supposedly doomed but annoyingly easy love of a Buffy and Angel or, christ help us, a Twilight movie but rather some genuine emotion, something slightly perverse, something completely understandable, something dangerous yet freeing and altogether more human than any similar relationship committed to film. It perfectly encapsulates the feeling of a first love and even first lust better than any serious or indeed romantic comedy, coming of age film I have ever seen.
The one thing that was so utterly mind blowing and refreshing about this film was that for someone who, obviously, watches lots and lots of films and always has, it showed me incredible special effects, mostly practical and in-camera, that I had never seen before. Everything about this film from the performances, to the realism of the setting and the effects worked absolutely perfectly.
I really don't want to pick it apart too much or go on about anything to the point where it might spoil it, as it should be experienced as fresh as possible and so I will keep this short, just please rent or go see this version, I haven't seen the remake and I am not sure if I will but this original deserves to be seen, marveled at and appreciated before they take a finally grilled slice of tender steak and turn it into a tasty but essentially hollow Big Mac burger.
10 out of 10
Points from The Wife 8 out of 10
Directed by Don Coscarelli, it is a creepy but confused film which is packed full of ideas, has a killer soundtrack, some tremendous visuals but lacks much of a point beyond hooded dwarfs and tall, baggy and pale faced men with ludicrous hair are weird and scary.
The plot is some mental, fun, nonsense about aliens running a mortuary who are turning corpses into little robe wearing midgets. Some who are shipped back in tubes to another world, via a cosmic tuning fork, to be enslaved and others who roam about growling like banshees and generally causing mischief. Along the way we also find out that Angus Scrimm's delightfully loopy and bizarre looking Tall Man can shape shift into a heavily made up trollop, who lures young men into the graveyard for hanky panky before stabbing them and that his body parts, once severed, ooze mustard and turn into little animatronic flying bugs with glowing red eyes that can't be killed by garbage disposal units. Also in their weapon arsenal the fiendish inter-dimensional, weirdly body-proportioned alien crew have little shiny spheres that whizz about the mortuary at will and occasionally embed themselves into peoples faces and a little drill empties them of their skull blood.
All that stand in their way are a girly haired but fiercely determined teenage boy, his wayward, wannabe rock star, older brother and their friend, Reggie the hipster ice cream man and mean acoustic blues guitar player. Throw in an odd and fairly pointless scene with an old gypsy woman and her daughter (who translates) who the boy goes to sometimes for guidance and you pretty much have one of the most enjoyably nutso films that would pave the way for more crazy 80s neon horror fare like the Nightmare series and Hellraiser.
What was I saying at the beginning of the blog about the horror genre being one of the most inventive? because Phantasm proves that and then some. Yes it's all over the place, yes it doesn't make a lick of sense but all the cast seem to be game and for a low budget production the film looks great and, as I have said before, the soundtrack is brilliant and could easily stand shoulder to shoulder with a John Carpenter or George A Romero score.
All in all this is still one of my favourites, for lots of reasons and it was fun to revisit it this weekend.
8 out of 10
Points from The Misses 6 out of 10
Yes, Phantasm was a perfect way to end our day of horror movies which varied from some old classics, to a new dud and featured one genuine stand out film in Let the Right One In.
We watched four more films on Sunday which I will review in the next blog and then next week, my appetite well and truly whetted, I will no doubt continue in the horror vain all the way up to Halloween next Sunday.